blue_xakristan®'s mindspace

the torment continues...

2005-08-09T11:11:00.000+08:00

well somebody told me today that somebody is courting her. even though it really hurts, i can't really do anything. good luck to him nalang. from the info i got, well he's way good looking than me ... ta ta ta.... and here is the sore loser ranting again about how he lost because of himself...what a life. Guess i'll have to be contented to checking papers nalang....

hindi ko kaya...

2005-08-09T10:57:00.000+08:00

silent treatment huh? not to look her in the face huh? not to greet her again huh? ...............

well i can't do it. just 5 days and then pow.... i txtd her goodluck to her exams blah blah....
if that wasn't enough, as i was exiting the chapel after praying hard that mother mary will help me with this decision i made, wham! i saw her!...... i don't know, but it seems even the heavens are out to torment me. If that was not enough, well here is another story. last friday, after the chappel incident, she was online during the evening so i messaged her... u know, just to say hi and kamusta with her exams.... she didn't reply... as usuall.... thinking that she is fumingly mad at me already, i txtd her..... I'm sorry... and that was that. the next day, i was surprised that after a very long time, she waved at me! so i can't resist but look her in the face, break my silence and say "Good morning ...." . If that was not enough, later in the day, she messaged me sa ym, asking me y i sent the "I'm sorry..." message.... i couldn't answer directly. It was as if that stupid sprite(spring ba?) commercial happened to me. Would i (a.) lie to her with something? (b.)say wrong send? (c.) to tell her the truth... and alas! veritas, liberavit vos! (the truth will set you free..) she told me that she was very sorry that she wasn't able to read it coz she was playing gunbound.... well, acceptable... and so we proceeded chatting about stuff... nothing more... just useless chit chat that she hopes will appease me. she knows how "babaw" i am that only a few messages from her would already make my daw. poor me... very poor me...

silent treatment...

2005-08-02T19:12:00.000+08:00

yesterday i began my silent treatment. i don't know how this will end but i have to do it. i think it would be better this way. i'll just wait and see what will happen. i'am already tired... of falling for someone who is way out of my league. someone whom i don't deserve. someone who will probably never remember me and try desperately to get rid off me. why me? why can't it happen to someone else? there's someone who looks exactly like me and yet he already has half a dozen girlfriends. why me? why oh why oh why.... i can't really help but blame myself for everything that has happened to me. i'm really not that superstitious but i guess it's already a curse. i mean my brothers have theirs, and i'm the family laughing stock when these kinds of discussions come up. oh well, lifes like that, i say to myself. it really feels sad when you have so much love to give yet nobody seems ready to accept it...

empty smiles and hi hello's.....

2005-07-31T00:06:00.000+08:00

empty - holding or containing nothing; (google)

what is an empty smile? a smile that means nothing....

when you meet a person who broke your heart, one can't avoid the courtesy of smiling to that other person. you have to, just to let her know that you are fine when you really are not. that you are ok when infact your not.....that life goes on as usual even though its not.......that you have moved on when actually you have not........

and so you meet along the pathways, the canteen and the hallways and you smile at her... she smiles back at you... but what does that smile mean? of course she's a nice person and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. so she smiles back and you say hi... she either nods her head or says hello in return. but what are all these for? you can't avoid her....especially if she really meant alot to you...

and so you go on with your life... praying....hoping... that the next time you meet again, they will not be empty smiles and just courtesy hi hello's.....but smiles that mean something...giving you a hope.... that one day she will give you another chance...

my first pay....

2005-07-30T23:57:00.000+08:00

my first pay.....what did i do? shop!!!!!!!!!! eheheheehehe... well i treated my brother out at kfc. i bought a video card for my pc so that i could work properly. bought some stuff here and there, treated some of my friends and colleagues, and the rest i stored neatly in the bank. it didn't stay long there though, i bought a new pair of nike shoes(finally ka afford nako kay nag sale and nike park ehehehe) for the faculty and staff sportsfest. heheheh...

it really feels good to finally spend your own money that you really worked hard to get. but with it comes the reality that i'm now an adult and should act like one. money is hard to find yet very easy to spend. pray for me nga dili siya mahurot dali hehehe...

but with all these, i'm still not very happy. you can buy all the things you want yet without someone to love, its all meaningless. money can't buy you love...

life as a teacher....

2005-07-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

well its been about 2 months since my last post. honestly i've been very busy with my work. teaching is not an easy job. checking papers is just one thing, studying and preparing for your classes is the most difficult one. another reason is that misortel messed up the line. almost for the entire month of june, we have no dial tone. it was on and off during the first few weeks of july and blogging at the office is not possible either. work work work.

right now i'm preparing for my midterm exams. still encoding their grades though. compute them later and post. still have to read and read and read.... the pay is just fine, comparing it to other people's salary here in cdo. i think i even earn more than my mom! ehehehehe... but then again, money is not everything. with the amount of effort that i put into this job, i don't think my salary is sufficient.

but anyway, i'm a teacher and i have a duty to my students. i dunno, but to tell all of you guys, i love it here. even if it means seeing the person who broke my heart everyday, with all the papers to check and record, with all the reading and typing and printing, i like it. as one of the signs in the office adjacent to ours reads,

"i love the job, but i hate the work."

going 22 ....

2005-05-09T01:57:00.000+08:00

hello... this post is in connection to my upcoming birthday just a few days from now... =D

remember the old day, the days when we were still young and "walay bo-ot" so to speak... how we always wanted to be old. We always dream of being adults the next day when we woke up. well contrary to this, we see and hear that old folks want to be young again... this issue has become so relevant that movies were made because of it. There was this movie where tom hanks wished on a wishing machine that he would be all grown up and whala! he was a grown up the next day. What made it more intresting was that he was working for this toy company and of course, being a child at heart, succeeded.. i guess. in the end, i dunno, pressure got into him and deciding to be a kid again. this was a long time ago and i hope i would see it again on hbo, cinemax, hallmark or star movies. another of this was thirteen going thirty, starring daredevil's girlfriend jennifer garner. it's in recent memory so i guess there's no point in refreshing ur minds about it.

Okay enough of the movie stuff. point is, why do kids want to be grown-ups and why do grown-ups want to be kids? since my birthday is coming up, i've been reflecting on this and i realized alot of things that made me sad in a way. one of this is that we all want to be successful but don't want to take the hard way. i guess this is the reason why kids want to be grown-up overnight. they see all these professionals, rich and all that, and they want to be like that without going through the growing pains of adolescence, heartaches, betrayals, homework, school and many other difficult trials. they want to skip it all coz they just want to have lots of money so that they can but all the toys that they want. hmmm..... does this ring a bell to us grown-ups? in my opinion we have the same ideology as these kids. we want to be rich and have lots of money so we could also buy our own "toys"..... these could be well toys! hehehe. some of us were deprived of these things when we were young that when we have the money, we buy them like crazy hehehe. i'm no exception to that. when i was young i really liked robots and now i really love these gundam figurines and action figures. when my salary will come up, i will really try to collect them hehehe. our toys could also be in the form of vacations or other similar activities. come to think of it, we are all still a child at heart.

now what about the thought that grown-ups and old people want to be kids again? well for me i think there's only one very simple answer and yes, kids love to do this too. we just all love to play.................nothing more and nothing less. i guess we miss the old days when we just played and played and played without worrying about anything.... our parents and yaya's are there to bring us food when we are hungry, give us water when we are thirsty and change our clothes when we get all sweaty. i guess this is what we want when we are already old.... to be pampered again after all the hard work that we have done...

going 22 next week, there are alot of things going through my mind and most notably this two things come up. i dunno... i guess i'm just being anxious or again....

.... just being childish at heart....

age is just a number ...

2005-05-03T01:55:00.000+08:00

today is the 3rd day of may, and 13 more days before my birthday... yes folks, i'll be adding 1 to my current age 13 days from now. as this day approaches, i cannot help but reflect upon the past 21 years of my life and also think about where my life is heading.

thinking about all this, i can't say i'm happy right now. I guess i never was all my life. one has to live with the shadow of someone who looks exactly like you. who knows what he is thinking of. I've heard negative comments from him here and there, especially when it comes to his gf. well this is one area where i have to admit i'm totally beaten. the score? i think its 5 for him... the ones i know about. that excludes the others that i have no knowledge of. for me? ehehe.... 1/2? yeah that's a half folks. i say half because there was this someone who was almost "it" but not really quite. anyways, enough of this. talking about this thing only makes me feel more depressed.

academically speaking, i've done well. well in a sense that i was able to pass satisfactorily all my subjects hehehe.... seriously folks, yeah i did well. ocassional honors here and there, some awards, but it wasn't frequent. i guess i got tired of memorizing and doing all those stuff just to recieve a number on a piece of paper close to 100. but don't think that i'm a dumb person because i dont give my academics serious thoughts. i do, i really do because i know that its what i've got for my future. for me, the most important thing is that i learned something and that i learned how to learn. in the end, i discovered that it's not really much about the honors and the awards that you recieved during your grade school, high school or college days. these things help you get a job or impress some employer but the most important thing is that you are able to apply all these knowledge and learnings in everyday life.

decisions.... yes decisions. we make them everyday and we suffer its consequence or basque in all its glory. i've made alot of decisions in my life, and i regretted alot of them. to tell all of you the truth, i can say that i have made alot of bad decisions than good decisions and i am paying for them dearly. yet in all these bad decisions that i have made, i thank the lord for them for it made me realize my weaknesses and shortcommings. i guess i have to live with these things the rest of my life... there are also decisions that i regretted at first, but was actually thankful in the end. changing of schools was one of them. deciding to stay and become an athlete or become a better man - a man for others. changing courses..... from a computer-business oriented one to a purely computer science course was also one of these decisions. there are others, small but significant. in all of these decisions that i made, i learned one thing. that is to accept whatever is the outcome of that decision.

there are still alot of things to write... yet time is always running and is never going to stop. so i guess i should the one who should stop...

job fair thoughts....

2005-04-29T02:26:00.000+08:00

I don't know but am I really cursed to stay in CDO for the meantime? I mean whenever there's a job fair coming up, my computer usually gets busted and gives-up on me. I just don't know why. Maybe it's because i already have a commitment with an educational institution and I really have to fulfull this commitment. Honestly, i don't really like it anymore.... recent developments have made me change my mind. It's driving me crazy............... one side of me tells me to go while another side of me tells me to stay. My logical side tells me to stay while my "illogical" side tells me to go. Logically, i should stay because i dont have money yet to live in another place. "Illogically", i should leave because this place where i live now, this city, reminds me of alot of sad and painful memories. I see things that remind me of the yesteryears, which i dont want to think off again. I see people who broke my heart.... people who will break my heart.... all of these things are making me think that i should leave this place and start over in another. for one, there are already friends of mine who was accepted with this call center and i think they have already signed their contracts today. Some of the already did, and i think they are happy with it. A friend of mine will be leaving for Manila this sunday to find job in manila. She already has interviews scheduled up and i think she will really get the job. She's good---------in fact she's better than me, so i don't think this friend of mine will run out of jobs in manila. good luck to you my friend. I want to go to manila also but i'm afraid i will just be wasting my brother's hard earned money.

Maybe i should stay first here in cdo.....

life so far . . .

2005-04-27T01:52:00.000+08:00

so far life's a bore. just graduated and still looking for a job. not that i dont have any (a teaching post that is to be vacated by the end of summer) but just to experience applying, taking exams, being interviewed and the whole nine yards of job hunting. not to mention checking out to see how much am i really worth hehehe. currently i'm helping out with the OJT students at school. There's no pay, it's pure volunteer work. atleast i have something to do that just stay home and watch tv all day and gain a few extra pounds. honestly, i'm bored. i want to do things but cant because i dont have money to do it. i'm planning to work part time to remedy this, but i dont think my parents will allow me to. i dunno. i guess they want me to find a real job soon so that i wont anymore ask money from them. recently i applied for this call center, link2support. to make a long story short, i was accepted for the position. i just needed to pass the requirements and training should start may 2. i've done some hard thinking over this and realize it's not worth it. i'd rather teach than answer some foreigner at 2 in the morning complaining about some hardware problems of his linksys product.

haaaaay...... i dunno.

My first blog

2005-02-17T10:26:00.000+08:00

My first blog...

hmmm.....what shall i write? my thoughts? my feelings? still haven't decided yet. be assured though that what will be written here will really be something. just to remind myself of what to post and to give all of you a preview of what to expect, here are the things that might appear here....

a little about me ...
what has happened so far ...
life after her ...
does age matter ...
my first blind date ...

and more to come so stick around!

does age really matter?

2005-02-13T06:20:00.000+08:00

does age really matter? i mean i know of people in my generation who have gf's or bf's who are way older or way younger than them. but then i guess it depends on the person. but come to think of it, in real life it doesn't. i mean if you really love that person, the age problem is really insignificant. great people in history has had love interest who are younger or even older than them. our parents........well it's also the same. ambot lang...... .

I passed NEC software exam!

2005-02-13T05:36:00.000+08:00

hehehe........

i dunno.....i passed the NEC software tech exam last thursday. honestly, i really dont deserve to pass because i really did not prepare for it. well not quite...compared to some people that i know that really worked their asses off the night and even days before. u know what i did? i just watched the game between barangay Ginebra and Talk n Text. ginebra won in a double overtime game that lasted till around 10::30 pm. I guess barangay ginebra's luck also rubbed on me. well i have to admit i did review before the exam....just a little bit. i just surfed over the net to review on number systems. that's all. i didnt even finish reading the tutorial. maybe i'm really destined to leave cdo after graduation. honestly, i just want to teach at XU for the moment. haay.................someone up there is really out to make my life more complicated........ . . .

A very disappointing day....

2005-02-08T17:15:00.000+08:00

a very disappointing day.....first a failure in my math exam, then a postponed CS days, then a hastily prepared Engineering days poster. We weren't even able to bring PC's for display. what a shame. CS students with no computers to show to everyone what they have created. I swear that if i ever become a teacher at the XU cs department, it will never happen. there are other things to worry though. ics42 assigment and ics41 project. the ics200 project still needs to be finished.....so many things to do yet so little time. it will really be a shame if i will not graduate this march. i just hope for my sake and the others that i find some other inspiration to finish everything that i need to finish...........

life after her...

2005-02-04T22:51:00.000+08:00

life after has not been easy. you cant just turn your back on the things that you did, especially those stupid ones which really hurt the most. you just can't seem to forget the person. no matter how you try, you just can't. after all, life is her and without her there is no life. but after all the things that happened, you just can't do anything else but let go....let it go.....you had your chances and you blew it. There's no use crying over spilled milk, when you know that you are the cause in the first place.

there's a rainbow always after the rain....

2005-02-03T02:15:00.000+08:00

when you find a person, a very special person, cherish the times you spent with each other, the things that you did together and the sad and happy memories that you had with each other for you never know when this person will leave your life. also, dont forget to tell that person how you really feel toward him or her even though u do not how he or she will react. i admit i'm not an expert on relationships, yet i believe each and everyone should be given a chance to write what they have experienced so that others will hopefully learn from others mistakes. It has been rough and tough the past few months, yet i still thank everyone who has been with me every step of the way. most specially to you, u know who you are. thank you for everyting. i will always be your friend.

i dont drink. i only drink on special occasions and feasts. yet 4 hours ago i consumed 3 bottles of beer. i dont know why, i just wanted to get drunk. for someone who does not regulary drink, it was alot, and i left the place feeling dizzy and sleepy. i was able to sleep for about 2 hours before deciding to finally get up and write an email to my friend. i spent about 1 hour composing the letter, feeling sobby, groggy and all. and now the time is over for all this nonsense. there's 0 hours left and i have to work on SYP.